The Real Man Pizza Company Review

Originally posted on sheriffsofgurus October 7th 2014

A review of the Real Man Pizza Cafe recently appeared on TripAdvisor, it was written by a one “Simon Clerkwell“ As it is quite amusing we will repost it here, over to you Simon.

“La Da De   La De Da

La Da De   La De Da

I was ambling down Clerkenwell Road on the way to Rosemary’s when the onset of fatigue led me to the door of The Real Man Pizza Company. “Real Man” I thought to myself, possibly YMCA will be playing as background music, I endeavoured to push the door open. Alas there was no background music, costume dressed or not. I appeared to be the only weary traveller so took up a position on a rather shabby table and chair. I have no idea as to what kind of atmosphere or ambience the decorators had in mind when contracted here so whether or not they achieved it I could not comment upon. However I would venture that Kelly Hoppen was not consulted.

The menu was brought to me by an equally shabby looking man in his 50’s who never once looked at me as he was constantly staring out of the windows, head flitting from one to the other in meerkat like fashion. I enquired as to the meaning of Celtic Pizza, surely it was  Italian. The waiter seemed offended and just demanded to know what I wanted whilst pressing his face up against the window. I ordered the lasagne in an attempt to diplomatically avoid the troublesome Celtic/Italian question.

36 minutes later the lasagne arrived and just about landed on my table as the waiter hearing a car outside flung himself to the floor. He then scampered on his hands and knees back towards the kitchen. This however turned out to be rather unfortunate decision, as he was approaching the door someone was coming through in the other direction and smashed the door forcefully into his forehead.  An ear piercing scream emanated from the waiter along with a string of angry expletives.

The lasagne itself was just as curious, it was presented with a minimalist salad and chips for which I cannot remember applying for. Nevertheless as my robust frame needs almost constant sustenance I eat it as a necessity and with indifference. Indifference is the kindest I can be I am afraid as I feel some sort of obfuscation may have occurred in the ingredients department. Feeling rather let down by the culinary offerings and background music I ventured towards the lavatories do my “fiduciary duty” as I like to call it.

The entrance door was clearly not designed for a man with such a luxurious body as myself and a struggle ensued to gain access. The dimensions of the cubicle would have been perfectly adequate in medieval times or better suited to third world famine relief centres. Alas in zone 1 London and my physical presence being an exemplary model of first world success the result was a situation where I could not sit directly on the pan or even get close to the arse gasket. With my hips squashed to the cubicle sides I had to trust my judgement in that I was positioned directly above the desired latrine. Fearing that I may have missed I surreptitiously did not look back and so repeated the entrance door struggle to gain egress. This was more a krypton factor style challenge and I was waiting to be told that I had won a crystal upon extricating myself from the door frame, which was now unhinged and partially trailing from my trousers. A gentleman’s rest room it most certainly was not..

I left an undisclosed cash settlement on the table in lieu of the bill of which I would amortise in a non recurring exceptional manner. Despite my poor culinary, musical and lavatorial experience I gave a quite delightful wave to the waiter as I left. He was now sporting a tie as makeshift bandage on his forehead and was crouched beneath the window. Tomato puree seemed to have been smeared across his face and he had gathered the unused tables and chairs around him in some sort of defence perimeter. He had one of those World War 1 type periscopes to enable him to see out of the window whilst remaining out of site. As I gave him my quite delightful wave and left he appeared to be gibbering to himself something about BBM’s expletive, expletive, BBM expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive BBM expletive.

Rosemary later told me that BBM is some sort of Blackberry app. A most peculiar amble down Clerkenwell Road it turned out to be but as my dear departed friend Michael Winner would say.

Tra La La    Tra La Le

Tra La La    Tra La Le”

It has now been removed from TripAdvisor as no matter how believable it does seem to be a spoof. Many are saying that this is in fact Simon Cawkwell, the infamous trader in a clear show of his displeasure on how ridiculous Winnifrith has become. We cannot confirm or deny that Clerkwell is in fact Cawkwell. A psychologist gave her opinion.

“So. What we have here is Simon portraying himself as a jovial and pleasant individual. Aware of his large body, proud of it and not apologising to anyone. He sees his relationship with Rosemary as a proxy for that of his relationship with the market, he is successful and rubbing Tom the waiters nose in it. Conversely he portrays Tom as a regressed farcical fool, a reflection on the object of ridicule that he has become in the market. Simon sees Tom as vindictive and maybe pathetic but Tom himself is not capable of realising this. Simon is waving goodbye to Tom  in a look at my success compared to your failure type of way. Simon has complete contempt for Tom as shown in the toilet episode. This is a classic case of the latrine being a surrogate, furniture version of Tom. What Simon is expressing through witty repartee is that Tom is the latrine and that he Simon is crouched above him about to do his ablutions.”

Interesting indeed, thanks for that.

If you wish to contact us you can send a message through the about section at the top. Send your whole message and all the details through there, they don’t get published it’s just a way of contacting us. Everything is kept in complete confidence and anonymity. There are other ways to contact us which others know about.

There is no copyright on this site but if possible please link directly to the site as it increases our search ratings.